In the beginning

In the beginning…

There are smiles and glances

Sweet whispers and kisses

Everything is all good . In the beginning…

Fast heart beats, breath that you hold

Just one touch sends shivers but not cold It just gets better .

But at the top of the mountain The slope is downward

It is a new beginning . In this beginning…

It’s awkward and strained

The feelings aren’t the same

Everything is different .

In this beginning… The sunny days are overcast

You wonder how long u can last

With a love that only lives in the past .

From where u stand There is no light at the end of the tunnel

But what you can’t see is….the new beginning .

Listening in the Dark

Here I sit going through the files of my life

My fingers trace the years gone by

Some tears fall for the dark times

But there is always a light

You come into the darkness

You hear my cries and you comfort me

You wrap your arms around me

My soul soars after just one touch

With you here, I know it will be better

I know that the future will be brighter

You are the one who hears my thoughts

In the dark

The one closest to me, to my heart

The one that knows me best

The one that hears my thoughts

In the dark

I know we will never part

I know if I need you, you will be there

All I have to do is close my eyes

And open my heart

And you will listen and hear my thoughts

In the dark

Big Girls Still...

My head held high, I grace the place
I see that you see me, want to be in my space
I notice your fellas have women so thin
I figure you are one of them, just wanting to fit in
I order a drink and slide next to the dance floor
the music starts me to swaying more and more
I finish my drink and decide to let loose
I dance by myself, with courage from my juice
I feel you watching me, although u try not to
I wish you would quit playing, make it do what it do
My hips grind and i bite my bottom lip
I close my eyes and take myself on a trip
I move to the music and sway to the beat
I notice a few others trying to keep up with my feet
My invisible eye is on you waiting for u to make your move
I know you can feel yourself moving to my groove
Your courage gathered you glide next to me
I face you and stop " Is this where you want to be?"
You nod your answer but words seem to escape you
Your eyes are fixated and glassy like affected by voodoo
I turn away from you, place your hands on my waist
I feel you close to my neck, you lick your tongue out to taste
Quite the bold soul for a man who took his time
I do hope you respect me and dont get out of line
I finish our dance kiss you gently on the cheek
You whisper the words, will I see you next week
I smile slowly..."Do you think you can hang?"
You know how nervous you get when this Big Girl does her thang

One Track Mind

As I sit here looking out the window my mind wanders to a place...

to a time when you touched me

I remember the heat of your touch

the strength of your back

the power of your kiss

I try and change my mind path

I think about the flowers how I watched your manhood grow

I think about the river, how you make me flow

I think about the clouds how you make me high

I guess I just have a one track mind...

Right before my Eyes

Right before my eyes…you appeared

I knew you were there but I didn’t see

Right before my eyes…you laughed

I’d heard it before but now it’s clearer

Right before my eyes…you shared

You shared before but this was deeper

I’ve had you right where I wanted you

But I didn’t know I wanted you

How is that for life?

It’s like I see you for the first time

And learn something new everyday

Are we starting to walk..together?

I don’t know and scared to define it

What I do know is all this time..

You have been right there..

Right before my eyes…

© Lainey Starr 2007

Burn Me

burning from within

not the one that destroys

but the burn that cleans

wipe away all that should not be

making me into a brand new me

the past is passed

the future, yet unlived

burned clean and ready

for the new dawn

©Lainey Starr

Whisper

Right here, right now…I see you in all your glory

That beautiful smile, those dancing eyes

My looks caress the hands that will caress me later

Later can not come too soon and I know you wont either

Come and mix with me, twist your body with mine

Make the heat and feel our fire

Feel the flow and rock the boat

The ecstasy I feel is nothing compared

To the feeling I get knowing; your heart has a place for me

Keep me with you

Wherever you go

And just know

When you feel the hairs on your neck stand up

Its me… whispering in your ear

First Dates Part 11

Eric paced the office back and forth. He kept glancing into the lifeless eyes of Valerie as she sat slumped over in the chair at Veronica’s desk. His mind was racing about what to do next. He had come here for revenge but now it was more complicated. He hadn’t intended to kill Valerie but she was at the wrong place at the right time. He was looking around the office for ideas when he heard a faint siren. He decided he would just try to get away and let the police take care of this mess he had created. He closed the door to the office and slipped out the back entrance and into the woods behind the school just as the first police unit arrived at the front gate.

Police cautiously entered the school by the front door. It could just be a routine run. Officer Johnson entered the school slowly and turned off the silent alarm that had summoned them to the school. There were no lights on in the classrooms and all the doors seemed to be secure. He continued down the hall and saw one light on at the end of the hall that lead to the administrative offices. He walked into the office and saw the door to the principal’s office open. As he got closer he recognized the smell of gunpowder. Leading with his flashlight he pushed the door open and was greeted by the dead woman behind the desk. He immediately called for back up and more units were called in. The proper procedure was to call the principal but it seemed like she may be the victim. The administrative assistant was called instead.

“Dead?! What happened?! Are you still at the school? I’m getting dressed to come right now!?” All of the questions were being fired so fast at Officer Johnson that he couldn’t answer any of them before the next one was asked. After she disconnected the line he continued to tape off the area so that the crime scene employees could get to work. He noticed the door to the back of the school was ajar and theorized that this was the way the killer got out. Eric was still sitting low in the field watching all the activity at the school. He didn’t know how long to stay or if they would even think to search the field. He knew he couldn’t stay there forever but he wanted to see if maybe his real target would show so that he could finish what he started. Wringing his hands together his mind raced about what to do next. “I could just go to her house and take her, as long as that boyfriend of hers isn’t there. I can’t believe she thought she could replace me. I told her. I told her. I meant what I said. I told her.” Eric’s rants became more and more garbled and unintelligible. He was losing it but felt he had to finish was he came to do. No one had ever rejected him and in his mind he knew he was doing wrong, but he couldn’t stop.

Shannon raced down the road with tears streaming down her face. She couldn’t believe that the woman she so gratefully worked with was dead. She had so many questions in her head. What was she doing at the office? Where was Brendan? Brendan! She had to call him and let him know. Shannon grabbed her cell phone and pushed in Brendan’s cell that Veronica have given her to use only in the case of emergency. It rang once and then twice. On the third ring he answered. “Hello,” he said. He sounded so happy. He had no idea I was about to bring his world down around him. “Um, Hello Brendan. It’s Shannon, you know, from the school.” “Yes, Hello, how are you?” Shannon took a deep breath. She hated what she was about to say to him. “Mr. Brendan, I’m afraid I have some bad news. I was just called by the police and they said.. they said… they found Miss Veronica at the school and she was… she was .. dead.” The last words barely escaped her mouth. Nothing but silence came from the other side of the phone. “Now Shannon, I don’t know what kind of trick you think you are playing but I will tell you right now that it is not funny at all!” A joke? Did he really think I would joke about this? “Veronica is NOT dead!” I felt that his denial was taking over and I know exactly how he felt. I felt the same way. “I know this is hard to believe and I know it is going to be hard to accept..” “Hello, Shannon, what is going on?” It was Veronica’s voice. Shannon almost ran off the road. This was all too much.

First Dates Part 10

After lunch Brendan and I retired to my den to get some work done. I know I wasn’t in the office but some work still had to be done. I knew that Brendan would have a lot of work piling up on him and I let him know that if he had to leave for a while that I would be fine in the house. “No V, I won’t leave you alone. If I need to leave I will have my boy come over and sit with you while I tend to work.” I appreciated the gesture and just went back to working on my laptop. I had some emails to reply to but things at work seemed to be going quite smoothly. Valerie had been placed on suspension while they investigated my case. Some parents had called for her resignation. I almost felt sorry for her. She tried to take me down and ended up hurting herself in the process. That crab mentality doesn’t help anyone involved. When you pull someone else down while you are down, it just leaves both of you at the bottom. If you succeed and excel, don’t forget where you come from. Reach back and give someone a hand. I had planned to give Valerie a hand, now I just wanted to give her the finger. They had replaced the head of the PTA and I am sure that did not set well with her. They don’t understand that what is done in the dark will come back to haunt you in the light. I was approving some budget items and all of a sudden my system went down. I couldn’t get back in. I called the school and asked if we were having any problems. “None that I can see boss lady”, my secretary replied. “I was working fine and then just nothing, it won’t let me on.” Well that is one way to get me to take a break. I’ll just try again later on tonight.

I needed to go out for a bit and Brendan needed to go to the office. I had to run some errands and also finish this work by the deadline. I can’t imagine actually being ill right now and not being able to get all this work done. Illness doesn’t stop the show at all. Brendan said that he would send his friend Jefferson to hang out with me at the mall. I didn’t feel it was necessary as it was going to be a very public place but I couldn’t voice any objection. Brendan was in the protector mode and I must admit, I was loving it all. I left for the mall with Brendan behind me most of the way. He pointed to the left at a red truck and I could see a man tip his hat at me and I figured this was Jefferson. Even though he was across the intersection I could see his bright smile from here. I nodded my head and continued on through the light. I guess fine brothers ran in packs. I got to the mall and he was already inside the door. We walked and laughed and shopped and laughed some more. I felt almost as safe with him as I did with Brendan. Things were going fine and then the phone rang. His son was sick and he had to get to the school. I told him to just go ahead and I would be fine. He wouldn’t leave until he spoke to Brendan or had another friend come be with me. I assured him I would be okay. I called Brendan and left him a message that Jefferson had to leave and that I was going to tie up a little school business and then see him later. I knew he had a meeting to take care of and I didn’t want to seem completely helpless. I went to my car and took off, careful to survey the area for any suspicious cars in my area. Seeing none I continued on my way, even humming to the love song on the radio.

About an hour later, in the principal’s office the computer woke up and started its faithful hum. The screen glowed like it had missed being used on a daily basis. Veronica’s ID and password danced across the screen and the systems started to load as normal. No system problems now. Outlook opened and the unread emails from earlier in the day appeared. After glancing through some unimportant ones a new message was started. In the subject line, My resignation. The keys were being hit in a fast and furious manner so when the door opened slowly it wasn’t even heard.

“You don’t have your bodyguard with you now do you V?!” Eric yelled. “Now you will pay for the last time!” Three shots rang out from the shiny gun that he held in his hand. Only one scream had time to escape her lips before she went limp in the chair. He moved closer to the chair. He wanted to savor the last look on the face of the woman that had taken eight years of his life. “All you had to do was love me V, I didn’t want to do this to you.” He pulled back and paced the floor as he tried to think of what to do next. “All you needed to do was what I told you to do V! Now look at you.” He spun the chair around to see the dying gaze and froze. “What the….” He was confused. This woman in the chair wasn’t Veronica. It was that nosey girlfriend of hers from college that never had a man. What was her name? Mallory, no, Valerie! What was she doing here in Veronica’s office?

First Dates Part 9

Brendan’s eyes were as big as saucers when I finally let him in the door. “I’ve been calling your name for almost five minutes V! I was about to break the door down!” I was so sorry for scaring him this way. I had just zoned out when I began to think about that dark time in my life. It was almost as it if was happening all over again. “I’m sorry Brendan, I was just …I was just.. thinking.” He didn’t pretend to even know what I meant but I think we both knew it was time to clear the air completely about what was going on. I moved to the couch and took a deep breath and told him about everything that had happened to me eight years ago and just a few thousand miles away. I could tell he was getting more and more upset as I disclosed more and more details. His hands sat clenched on his lap and I could hear his breathing get stronger and louder. “How could he get out so soon?” How could he know where you are?” I didn’t have the answer to either question. I know he should have been behind bars longer than eight years, so I don’t see how he could be free and walking around now. I don’t even want to think about what lies he could have told to get out early. It didn’t make any sense to concentrate on that now. He was out and he had to be dealt with. Brendan held me as tears rolled down my face. I didn’t even have the strength to try and keep my distance. It just felt good to be in his arms. I didn’t know how things were going to go from now on but I felt like I could depend on Brendan to get me through whatever it was. I was caught up in his scent when suddenly my house alarm started to go off. It shocked us and I ran to the front door to turn it off. I hoped I had gotten there in enough time to stop the company from calling me. They always made such a big deal when they called to verify if the homeowner was safe. At times they made me feel like they didn’t believe I actually lived there. Five minutes later and no call had come in. I got off easy that time. Or so I thought.

Brendan went out to the car to get his bag so that he could stay with me for a while. I know that we would have to get some ground rules established because I know we would have a hard time with us being so close. Well I know I was going to have a hard time. I can’t help but still feel the lingering strength of his hold on me. I watched as his lean frame bent over to get his gear out of the trunk. This could be trouble for me. I moved away from the door just in time for him not to see me staring him down like a piece of meat. A car moving up the street caught my eye. It was a dark Mustang, just like the one I saw the night of the PTA meeting. It backed up and turned the other way and left. I hope the sight of Brendan let him know that I would not be alone. I don’t know if this would keep him away, but I know I would feel safe in my home. Brendan walked back in the house and I said I would make some lunch while he got settled in his room. I led him upstairs and down the hall to the room right across from mine. I joked with him by asking if he snored I would have to close the doors. I was really more concerned about me sneaking across the hall if my will power ran out. He laughed and said that he didn’t know if he snored because he was sleep at the time. I thought that I could plan a little experiment and find out myself. I left him to get settled and headed to the kitchen to make lunch. As I surveyed the refrigerator I was glad I had stopped by the grocery store the day before. I gathered food to make us some sandwiches and then noticed an unfamiliar bag in my vegetable tray. I picked it up and it was an artichoke. I was deathly allergic to them and can’t imagine picking one up by accident. I went to toss it in the trash but as I turned it over I saw it had a label on it with handwriting. It read “Have one on me V”. I started shaking and thinking back. I wondered how he could have gotten this close to me and I didn’t know. Was he at the store or, God forbid, in my home? Nervously I went to the back door and make sure it was secure. I fumbled with the lock and was still struggling to get it closed when Brendan walked up behind me and startled me. As I spun around to him he saw fear in my eyes. I told him what had happened and he drew me close. “I won’t let him get my V baby, I promise you that” As scared I was, I believed him.

First Dates Part 8

After I called Brendan I called the school and let them know I was a bit under the weather and needed to be off for a few days. Shannon understood and even commented that something was going around and I probably had caught it. I thought to myself that it was more like something was trying to catch me. I sat down on the couch and wondered if I should even call my mother and let her know what was going on. Brendan called and checked up on me and let me know he would be over as soon as he finished one meeting. He had cleared out the next three days to spend with me. Having him here with me over night was going to test us but at this point I think that other kind of intimacy was far from both of our minds. I made some breakfast and decided to go through some mail that I hadn’t even started to look at. I had been busy with all this PTA business going on. One envelope caught my eye. It was from the State of Georgia Correctional Facility, Victims Rights Unit. I tore it open and then everything began to fall into place. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. He was out. Eric Bradley had been set free. Even after holding me at gunpoint and stabbing me to the point I almost bled to death, they had let him out. I was shocked. I didn’t get any notification that he was even up for parole, let alone a full release.Now the note and the car that followed me made sense. Eric was back and he wanted revenge.He wasn’t going to find it in me. I found my voice that day in court and I wasn’t about to let him put me in a corner again. I knew I would have to protect myself and the least I could do was put another restraining order out on him. When I come to think of it, that is what made him go crazy in the first place. Now it all seems like it was yesterday….

“Come out here and talk to me Veronica!!” Eric yelled from the steps of my house. “I know you are in there, I can see you girl!” I cowered inside my home in my hall closet. My hands were over my ears but I could still hear the shrill voice come through two doors. “OPEN THE DOOR!You won’t like me if I have to break it down. I know you know what I mean. So why don’t you open your door so your nosey neighbors can go back to their lives and leave us lovebirds alone, huh baby? Can you just do that?” I didn’t want to open the door. The voices in my head told me not to. But he called me baby and he sounded like he had calmed down and my neighborswerepretty nosey. I didn’t want to risk having them call the authorities like they had once before. I walked slowly to the door and could see him there with that charming smile that he always had.His eyes though, there was something off about them. It wasn’t that I hadn’t seen the look before but it looked even more sinister today. I paused in the foyer of my living room. “Come on, Baby, you are almost here, and then we can talk about this.” He said with sweetness dripping off of every word. I turned the lock and he pushed the door open so hard I fell to the floor. He leaned over and whispered to me. “Dumb girl, you just opened the door for the last time of your miserable life! No one disrespects me! Do you know who I am? I am Kingggg!” he then took the back of the gun he had tucked in his pants and struck my head and the blackness covered me. He went to work closing all the blinds in the front of the house. After 15 minutes I began to come to but was afraid to open my eyes. Afraid of what I may see. I could hear him moving around the house. I believe he actually had the nerve to go in the kitchen and fix himself something to eat as I was laying on the floor. I must have moved or he must have sensed I was moving because as quick as a flash he was standing over me. “You thought a piece of paper was gonna keep you from me? You thought you could get away that easy. That’s not how things are going to happen, no way sister, not at all.” I opened my eyes and saw he was pacing back and forth in the kitchen. I wanted to move but the pounding in my head wouldn’t let me. I couldn’t just lay there. I had to get up. I started to find strength from deep inside and stand up. He ran to where I was and pinned me against the wall. “You will ALWAYS be mine!” He shouted. He pushed my face to the side. Then suddenly, from somewhere came…my voice. “No” I said. He spun around. “What did you say?!” Still looking at the floor I repeated the word, louder than before. His breathing became like that of a bull preparing to barrel towards a bull fighter. That was when he couldn’t take it anymore. He took the knife out of his pocket. The same knife he had made a sandwich with in the kitchen. The knife from the set I was given by my grandmother and he plunged it deep into my stomach. As I gasped and slid down the wall, he followed me all the way to the floor whispering the words…always…always…always… Maybe one shred of sense was left in him because he flung the front door open and ran out. Even then it was too late for him. While I was sitting in the closet I had called 911 on my cell and left the line open. The police were pulling up as he ran out of the house. I looked down at my hands and saw they were covered with blood. My blood. As I began to slip out of consciousness I heard a voice. Are you okay? Maam? Are you okay? Fading…away…Are you okay? V, Baby are you okay?! I was jerked back to reality and didn’t even realize that I had gone into a trance while Brendan was frantic and at my front door. I let him him. We had to make some plans.

©Lainey Starr

First Dates Part 7

As I walked out of the cafeteria that night after the meeting, I felt like I had a new beginning. I was the last line item on the agenda so I didn’t even wait for a dismissal. I just walked straight out of the cafeteria behind Mr. Sussman. As we stepped into the hallway he turned to me and said, “I hope this puts any of the doubts to rest.” I smiled at him and gushed, “I think you handled any doubts just fine! I truly appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule to come down here for me.” I knew he would be my champion after a long rift between his wife and Mary Beth had erupted years ago. This was information I found out after the fact, but all the more reason for him to come down and share the information in person. As I ushered Mr. Sussman out the door, Brendan came up behind me and whispered in my ear, “So now is it my turn to have to stay after school Madam Principal?” I smiled slyly and told him that as bad as he was he would be in eternal detention. We decided to meet back at my place for a quick night cap. I had to wait until the school emptied so that I could lock everything up. I formed a makeshift reception line when most of the parents that came out of the meeting wanted to give me words of support and to shake my hand. This made me feel good that they knew I was only after the best interests of the school.

After everyone left I was on the way home to Brendan. I had given him the key to let himself in since I was going to be coming along some time after. I couldn’t help but notice that there was one car left in the parking lot that I didn’t recognize. My mother always taught me to be aware of my surroundings. It was an older model mustang, blue, no license plate. I think this is what caught my eye most. I got in my car and started home and the mustang started up too. I followed my normal route home and realized that the first three turns I made that car made them also. It didn’t follow too closely but close enough for me to keep an eye on the rear view window. As I noticed it kept getting closer I had my hand on the cell phone to call for help but suddenly he turned off on a side street. I was still a bit shaken up and called Brendan at my home. “Baby, are you sure he isn’t still following you?” he asked in a concerned tone. “No, I have been riding around for a while and I don’t have any cars behind me. I am almost to the house though, can you meet me outside?” I said in shaky voice. “No problem at all V, I’m going now.”

I drove up to the house and got out of the car and he was standing there just as he said he would. I did calm down just at the sight of him. He ushered me into the house and just held me.“I am so glad you are here right now Brendan. I don’t know why I am so shaky, but I just got an eerie feeling. I’m not sure why.” Brendan just held me and listened to me for the next few hours. We had a glass of wine and talked over some soft music. I glanced at the clock and saw it was almost one in the morning. “Oh Brendan I am so sorry I didn’t mean to keep you out this late!” I said. He laughed and told me not to even worry about it. He offered to spend the night but I still didn’t trust myself to be with him. I brought out my Strong Black Woman attitude. “I’ll be fine baby, and if I do get uneasy I promise to give you a call so you can come and rescue me, “ I said as I leaned in to kiss him good night. I watched him back out of the driveway and go down the street. I made sure all the doors were locked and the alarm was set. That night my sleep did not come easy. Perhaps it was a sign of things to come. That next morning as I walked to my car I saw a note on the windshield. On the paper, written in what I hoped was not blood were the words, “I know where you are Veronica. No hiding now!”

I went back in the house and called Brendan.

©Lainey Starr 2008

First Dates Part 6

I stood in front of the closet staring at the ocean of clothes in front of me. What goes well when you are about to tear down people who are trying to tear you down. Hmm, I think a red power suit is in order for this occasion. I pick out a bright red suit that I had bought for the next interview I thought I would have. It was tailored to my shape so it was curvy in all the right places. I wasn’t a size two but I always made sure my clothes fit nicely.

I finished dressing and was about to be out of the door when the phone rang. My first mind told me to ignore it but I couldn’t resist peeking at the caller ID, it was Brendan. “Hey baby, I really can’t talk right now I am on my way to the meeting,” I started out as I answered. “I know V, I just called to let you know that I will be there to support you. I know you need that right now and I have always wanted to give you what you need.” Brendan said in the most supportive voice he could summon. It was so genuine I was taken aback for a moment. “Brendan I do so appreciate that, I can’t even tell you how much, but you don’t have to do that. I know you have been working hard and late.” I should have known that this would not keep him away from the meeting. Ever since I got the letter and had my visit with Valerie Brendan had been right there to support me and help me as the meeting came closer. I took his silence for stubbornness and just gave in and finally just said ‘see you at the school’. “That’s my V Baby”, came his reply.Yeah… I still loved it.

At the school the parking lot was full. I can’t remember another time when I had seen it this full.I guess drama always draws a crowd. Things at work had settled down for the most part but I could still hear some of the whispers as I walked into a room. It used to bother me that the entire room went quiet when I walked into the faculty lounge but then I just ignored it. My momma always said, ‘its not what they call you, it’s what you answer to’. I smoothed down my skirt and looked down at the red shoes I decided to wear. Right about now I wished they were Dorothy’s magic slippers because I wanted to be away from here. I was going to have to prove myself and I didn’t like that…but I was ready.

I walked in the building and into the cafeteria that I had walked into so many times. It was so packed that some people were even lining the walls just standing. I signaled to Mr. Harris our janitorial director to put out more seats to help seat the parents. He whispered to me as he made a few more rows, “ I don’t know why you want to make room for people that are just trying to embarrass you!” I smiled slowly, “You gotta get em with kindness Mr. Harris.” I walked up to the podium and announced the beginning of the meeting as I always did and then I turned it over to Mary Beth, the PTA president. Even though she and I had always been friendly, she wouldn’t even make eye contact with me tonight. That makes me think that Valerie had already delivered my message about them falling on their faces. She began with the normal agenda and we moved through old business fairly quickly with not interruptions or issues. Then came the line item that most had been waiting for…Job accreditation. Mary Beth read the letter that had been mailed to me and then called me to the podium. I was to give a reply and present anything to back up my claim to refute their accusations. As I walked to the microphone I searched the audience from Brendan. I spotted him in a chair by the door and he gave me a quick thumbs up sign that gave me the little boost of confidence that I needed at this moment.

“I know you are all gathered here to hear me give answer to information that was provided, incorrectly, to the PTA by a fellow teacher at this school by the name of Valerie Gooden.” I paused and looked for her in the room. I found her sitting slouched in her chair with her head down, she probably didn’t expect me to use her name but at this point I had to do it. I continued after a long pause, “ I contemplated on how to answer the letter that was sent to me and I came to the conclusion that the best way to answer that was just to show you. I would like Mr. Andrew Sussman the superintendent of the school district to come forward at this time.” Mr. Sussman rose from the back of the room and slowly walked forward, greeting people as he came. The silence was deafening and I think I actually saw Mary Beth’s chin hit the table. Mr. Sussman came to the podium and began to recount how we first met and he had interviewed me for my first position with the district. He went over how he had reviewed my resume and my credentials, he also revealed how he knew that these particular classes that Valerie were speaking of, were classes that I had tested out of without having to take the actual course. He told about how he joked then that the other ‘kids’ would be jealous to find out I had skipped ahead. Little did he know that one of the ‘kids’ would think I had been left behind. He ended his revelation by saying that I was one of the best principals that this school had ever had and that we would be remiss in questioning that I would do anything to harm or damage this school. He reprimanded Mary Beth for coming to me with information without checking out the source and then he advised Valerie that he would need to speak with her the next day at his office. When he finally left the stage the crowd began to clap and I couldn’t remove the smile that spread across my face. I had been vindicated but now it was time to go back to work.

©Lainey Starr 2008

First Dates Part 5

I just stared at the envelope on my desk. It had the label of the Arnold Ellison PTA on it. The most ominous part of the envelope was the big red ‘URGENT’ across the front. This did not look good. I was deep in thought about what the possible worst case scenarios could be when Shannon, my secretary burst in the door. “So, you still haven’t opened it yet?” she asked. I sat at the desk with my hand over my face, just picturing my world crumbling. “Come on V”, I said to myself. “Get it together girl and just open it. I mean, how bad could it be?” “It could be real bad, Miss Veronica.” Shannon offered. “The last time the PTA sent one of those packages they included pictured of the past principal and his secretary. She was taking um, how do you say, dictation. If you know what I mean.” I rolled my eyes at Shannon. I knew it wouldn’t be THAT kind of package. I took a deep breath and opened the letter and began to read.

‘Dear Miss Thomas,

It has come to the attention of the PTA that your recent appointment to Interim Principal has brought about many changes to the school. Most of the changes have been positive and they are very much appreciated however, an important matter has been brought to our attention. It appears that all of the credentials needed to hold your position are not possessed by you. A copy of your college record was delivered to our offices and it shows that you are two classes short of a degree that was included on your resume. While we, the PTA, do appreciate the work you have done, we cannot and will not have an individual in the highest position at our school when the experience and credentials do not support your appointment. We would like to meet with you to discuss this issue. Please bring proof to the contrary, if you have it, to the meeting on this Thursday at 7pm

Sincerely,

Mary Beth Adams

President

Arnold Ellison PTA’

Even though I hadn’t spoken a word in five minutes I still considered this to be a speechless moment. Never in my six years at this school had I or any of my abilities or credentials ever been in question. This was coming out of nowhere. I sat back and did a mental accounting of how this could be happening. What mistake did I make?

I was still in thought when there was a knock at the door. It was Valerie and then the light bulb went off in my head. “Heyyyy V! How are you doing girl?” She burst in the room looking happier than some folks are on the 1 st and the 15 th . She surveyed the room as if she were looking for something. “How you been girl? We haven’t had time to even eat lunch together since you have been in the big office. What’s going on? You look down.” She was prying and I knew it. I’ve known her since the third grade and there wasn’t many emotions of hers I did not recognize.

“Oh, I’m doing well, Val, really well. I mean what more could I ask for? I’ve got a dream job, the best man I’ve had in a long time and I’ve even lost some weight. Life is good!” I said with the biggest smile I could muster. Valerie had a puzzled look on her face but she tried to cover it.“Oh well that is good girl. Real good. I am so proud of you” she forced out.

“Proud of me? Is that what they call is these days?” I spit out. She was still making the rounds of my office with her eyes. No doubt searching for the letter that I had put up immediately after I read it. “What do you mean by that?” she asked, although it didn’t come across as innocently as she would have wanted it to be. “Oh come on Valerie, I’ve known you too long not to know that this crap is your work!” I spat at her. Her eyes grew big but she still wanted to try to hide her part in this, after a few moments I could see she just gave in to being found out. “Well it serves you right!” She started, “I don’t know why you thought these folks would ever let our kind get anywhere!” I felt my stomach turning. Of all the people that I thought would stab me in the back, she was the last one. “All these years, Val, I stood by you. All the times you were late, I had your back, and now this is what you try to do to me? Notice I said try. You and your PTA are in for quite a surprise. So I hope you know this is the end of you having it good. Make sure you come to the meeting on Thursday I want to see the look on your face when you fall flat on it.” I held the door open and ushered her out. I guess this is what the kids call hating.. smh

©Lainey Starr 2008

First Dates Part 4

The next morning I woke up even before my alarm went off. This was surprising because I love to get that last little bit of beauty sleep. I was having a good dream anyway. A dream I decided to make a reality when I called and asked Brendan if he wanted to go on a picnic. He accepted so I got to work. I was in a large field with a perfectly spread gingham picnic blanket. The weather was just right and I had on a copper colored sundress. I had even taken the time to put on one of those summer hats. The kind all self respecting Southern women had at least three of. It blended well with my dress and the strappy sandals added the right touch. Brendan was across from me on the blanket. He was laid out on the blanket with his eyes closed. Even though I had never seen him with his eyes closed I had dreamed he would look just like this. I guess that is what dreams do, help you see what you haven’t seen and maybe even what you hope to see one day. The wind blew gently and didn’t even knock over the cups I had that contained the best sweet tea ever. I didn’t even have to hold my hat down. I sat and watched Brendan lay there, studying every inch of him. I started at his head and admired how the gleam from the sun bounced off his head and when he smiled, off of his teeth. He had his hands behind his head as he layed on his back with his feet crossed at the ankles. He had on a simple outfit made of a tan shirt and khaki pants. He had one sandals and I can remember once upon a time, I felt sandals were only for older men but I must say Brendan made this outfit look wonderful. I quietly opened the picnic basket and got some of the iced fruit I had frozen that morning before leaving the house. He had mentioned that he liked pineapples so I had frozen some chunks just for him. I picked up the juiciest piece I could find and leaned over towards him. I placed the chunk on his bottom lip and he puckered up at the first taste of juice. To see a piece of fruit receive this affection almost made me jealous for a moment. I wasn’t jealous for long, he licked his tongue out and picked the fruit out of my fingers and then grabbed my face and kissed me tenderly. He never opened his eyes as he guided me to his mouth. The kiss with the taste of pineapple was just as sweet as the first time our lips had touched. I inhaled his very essence and felt the warmth of his sun kissed cheeks. I could have stayed in this position forever. “So um V Baby, what is that about fried chicken you were telling me?” Brendan asked after several soul draining kisses. I had to laugh because during our session I had heard a grumbling sound that in a more naïve state may have been mistaken for the earth moving. After a moment I realized it was actually his stomach growling. I decided to unpack the rest of the food so we could get to the food part of the picnic. The day was just perfect. And uhh so was the chicken.

After we ate, we decided to lay out in the sun for a while. It felt so good to be in his arms with just nature around. Some people may want more to this scene but just being here, listening to his heartbeat felt like the perfect moment. “V, don’t you just wanna lay here forever?” Brendan asked almost on cue. “Yes, if only bills and real life wouldn’t intrude on this, I would love to be here, like this, till the Lord called us home” It was now about six months into our relationship and I had been trying so hard to keep it going. We both had our careers to handle and sometimes his was a bit more demanding than mine. Summer was fast approaching and my day to day schedule would be changing soon. I would have a week or two after the end of school to tie up loose ends but then I would have about a month to relax. This time was needed to come down from this last school term. I’d handled the temporary principle position quite well. I didn’t have any big problems and that made me wonder if I would be given the chance to move into the position permanently. Mr. Hardin has been dabbling with the idea of retirement after his recovery began to take more time than originally anticipated. I didn’t want to push it but I know I would love a chance to change our school for the better. I don’t want to get a big head but the students and even most of the staff seemed to have a better outlook on things since I had been principal. I thought everything was going just fine…until I got the letter from the PTA.

©Lainey Starr 2008

First Dates Part 3

As I settled into my bed to hear Jazz tell me the story of her evening with Cordell, I prepared my mind to hear the rejection that always comes when she encounters a nice guy. “Guess where he took me? He took me to my favorite Italian place! At first I thought Shaynelle had told him that I adored Luciana’s but once we got there I found out it was his favorite place too! Isn’t that great?” If I didn’t know any better I would have said she was gushing but naw, not Jazz. Not Miss cold as ice, shoot you before you shoot me Jazz. She didn’t even give me a chance to answer before she continued with her flashback to the hours before.

“I didn’t want him to pick me up at the house so I met him at the restaurant. I was surprised that we even got a table with it being Friday night on the eve of a holiday weekend. You know how all the college kids come home for labor day and what not. As I walked up the steps to the restaurant, I saw him standing in the foyer. He was dressed in a midnight blue pant suit with a single gold chain. Even though I wasn’t close to him yet I knew he smelled good. Just like that day at the picnic. Just as I reached the door he turned around and rushed to hold it open for me.It kinda surprised me because the brothers I usually go out with don’t even hold the door open if the building is on fire.” That last statement was sad but true about Jazz’s choice of men in the last few years. She was a good woman but wrong man after wrong man after wrong man had hardened her to be something different. I can’t say I blamed her. Its hard to stay positive when you have nothing to be positive about. Keeping the faith is sometimes easier said than done.“Girl, You know I have told you that every man is NOT a bad seed, I have living proof of that.” I said to her in the break. “Yes Veronica, I know, keep rubbing it in why don’t ya!” she teased back. “Now let me finish my cinderella evening. So we went in the restaurant and I had on my copper halter dress. You know the one I have the matching shoes for? Girllll I was looking so so good if I do say so myself!” Jazz always had an eye for fashion and I admired that in her. She actually had picked out the outfit I had on the day I met Brendan and he had commented that he loved how I looked that day in my earth tone pant suit. He feels that my honey cinnamon skin is complimented by the colors of the earth. I think I do agree with him and had added a lot of clothes to my wardrobe just for that reason.

“We had so much in common! He loves music, all kinds of music just like I do. He even said that he wouldn’t hate going to the ballet with me. Can you believe that? A man with a little bit of culture, or at least a man with a lot of patience.” We both had to laugh at this one. I can remember that time Jazz and I tried to double date with some brothers. They had claimed that they would accompany us anywhere we wanted them to go since we had attended a party with them at their law firm. A truly boring affair and it wasn’t because of the affair itself but the people there just seemed like pod people. It was as if they had left all semblance of a personality in another suit. That evening never seemed like it would end. We endured it though.We dressed the part, looked pretty on their arms and spoke with such intelligence even the top partner of the firm was impressed. When the time came for the brothers to return the favor, Jazz and I picked the ballet. We both loved the ballet and it was around the time for “The Nutcracker” to make the touring rounds. We purchased the tickets but didn’t tell the men where we were going. Once we arrived and they saw it was a ballet you may as well have pronounced a death sentence via firing squad. They complained and whined and whined and complained and then even had the nerve to giggle throughout the performance so loudly that an usher came to shush them. Needless to say, we did NOT see them again. Ever. Some people just have no class.

“The best part of the evening was when he serenaded me with the men that played violin for the tables. I’ve always just enjoyed the music from afar but he actually requested a song and then sang it, IN ITALIAN! I was too through and I almost told him that he had me when he held the door open. I kept my cool though. The singing did bring a tear to my eye though and he wiped it with a monogrammed handkerchief that even had his initials on it. He let me keep it too. It smells like him V! I keep smelling it and it reminds me of him so much. Am I going crazy?” I wasn’t sure if this was a rhetorical question or not so I sat quietly. When she didn’t speak I took the chance and started to speak. “It’s just you letting down a little bit of that wall you have built up over the years. You let yourself enjoy a nice evening with a nice man. There is nothing wrong with that. You should have it more often.” I told her. “Yeah I know, I wish I could have that too. I don’t know how long Cordy will be in town but I do know that this was the best night I have had in so long. I truly didn’t want the night to end. He walked me to the car and gave me a soft kiss. Just like one of those in a movie. I almost expected someone to yell ‘Cut!’ after we parted lips. It was so perfect.”

“Well you deserve some perfect some of the time Jazz. We all do”

“I agree with you there sister! Well go to bed, we will talk tomorrow.”

“Okay, Jazz.. oh and Jazz.. don’t overdose on that hankie!” I laughed loudly as I hung up before I could get cussed out.

©Lainey Starr 2008

First Dates Part 2

I moved through my well furnished apartment, still floating from my evening with Brendan. I can’t even remember when I had had a better time with a man. He has been such a gentleman and I’ve been having a hard time trying not to self sabotage this relationship. In the past this had been an issue. Whenever I tried to get close to a man I would freeze up and then do something stupid to mess it up. There were times when it was just a case of firing before I got fired upon. Sometimes it was worth it but I do think I closed the door on a few terrific guys that didn’t do anything except treat me right. I guess that I am a product of what I grew up seeing.After so many failed relationships and even a few marriages, my mother just viewed every man as being, well, not right. I refused to think this way. Just as I was about to collapse into my super comfy queen sized bed with extra pillows, the phone began to rang. I looked at the caller Id and I should have known it was Jasmine. “Hey girl, come on and give me the scoop, I don’t have time to beat around the bush tonite cuz I am whooped.” I said when I answered. “Well excuuuse me, miss im dating the perfect guy, but okay I’ll get straight to it.” She said. I knew if she was hurt it would only last for a few minutes. She always bounced back and I think one reason why she was still single is because she has skin about three times as thick as the toughest person alive or dead. “So you know I had to go out with Shaynelle’s cousin, right?”She asked. “Um, no missy, you didn’t HAVE to go out with him but the way you undressed that man like he was the rib on your plate at Shaynelles family reunion you had to say SOMETHING to him. “ We both laughed as we recalled the day that the two laid eyes on each other for the first time.

It was a few weeks ago, just about the beginning of winter. The weather wasn’t too cold yet but I still couldn’t understand why Shay’s family insisted on having the reunion so late in the year.She told me it was the best time for everyone to be able to get off, and make it down to our area.It worked out well though because almost all of the Jackson clan came down every year. So here we were in the city park. It had more space then Shay’s backyard so we had the outdoor events at the public parks.

We arrived at the park early enough to help with the food preparation. That was our deal with Shay, if we wanted to taste some of Aunt Pearl’s sweet potato pie we had to help lay out the spread. If you had ever had any of this pie you may even want to give your first born so having to help with the food preparation was a small price to pay. As we were putting all the tablecloths on the tables the family started to arrive. Almost everyone came in with a plate or dish or some pot holding something that was sure to make me ruin the diet I claimed to be on this week. That was when Jasmine first saw him. Cordell Jackson, the third cousin of Shay that had been away in the military for the last four reunions we had been to. He looked ruggedly handsome in the tan short set he had on, his milk chocolate skin contrasted just right with that brighter than white smile of his. He walked in carrying a baby belonging to another member of the family and that alone should have turned Jasmine off, she swears she is never having a child but strangely enough, it drew her to him. “Girlll, who is that?!” she asked with her mouth hanging open as she stared him up and down. I turned around and caught a glimpse of the brother and had to catch myself for a moment too. He was quite a tall glass of chocolate. Shay saw her drooling and walked over to dish out the details of this fine specimen of a man. “Jazz don’t stare too hard,you may hurt yaself.” She laughed. “Oh I wanna get hurt right about now, looking at that fine man right there….so who is he?” she begged. Shay said she would give us the short version since he was getting closer to where we were. She explained he was her third cousin and he had joined the army right after high school so he was away for most of our family reunions until now. He had recently gotten stationed stateside so he was going to be able to come around more. “Oh is that right? More of Cordell, sounds good to me! “ We all gave a huge laugh right as he reached our table. Shay turned around first to face him. “Cordy! How you been cuz?!” she screamed. He passed the baby back and grabbed Shay and hugged her while turning in a circle. This just gave Jazz a chance to view him at a 360 degree angle. I glanced over just in time to catch her biting her bottom lip. I nudged her and mouthed ‘stop it’. He caught her in mid stare and I think he was a bit taken from the start too. Jasmine is a beautiful woman, five foot four with, as she puts it, just enough meat to feed you. Her honey colored skin just glowed in the sun and that may be what caught Cordell’s eye at first. “So who are these lovely ladies that we have here, not cousins I hope!” He said as he laughed. I laughed too but Jazz took this as her moment. “No, I’m not your cousin but maybe later we can kiss. “. I think this grown chocolate man actually blushed at that last statement. Shay interrupted the awkward silence that followed. ”Um, yeah, Cordy, these are my girls, Jasmine and Veronica.” Cordell graciously shook our hands and I noticed that he used both hands to shake Jasmines. The body always give clues. “So nice to meet you Cordell, hope I didn’t embarrass you before. “ she said. “No, Miss Jasmine, you didn’t but it did catch me off guard to hear that statement coming from a woman as beautiful as you. As if you read my thoughts.” Now it was Jazz’s turn to blush.

©Lainey Starr 2007